Tuesday, December 6, 2016

How I Live Now


Today I was sitting at my desk and broke down crying. Actually, the emotional break down was at my desk. I managed to not actually cry until I had ducked into a nearby conference room. Having nowhere private to run to, I contemplated barricading myself in a stall in the ladies room for a while, but instead went outside into the chilly air and found myself a bench in a public park. I sat down and I cried. It wasn't anything specific, it was just everything.

I've been full time now for a little under three weeks. And if you asked me how it's been going I would tell you, in all honesty, that things have been going wonderfully. They have. Everyone at work has been fantastically nice, I'm way more comfortable working as a girl than I ever thought possible. Going about my life; my commute, grocery shopping, grabbing lunch, running errands, has been no big deal.

And yet it has been. It's been harder than I realize, because I hadn't quite realized what was going on. I'd not really been processing this. In fact, I've been so caught up in my day-to-day life, and I've been so busy that I haven't really stopped to even think about things. It's a super busy time at work and it's been a super busy time socially. I'm a natural introvert and can only take so much social activity before I break and have to cloister myself away in me-time for a while to recover. So, it's been introvert social exhaustion, it's been my fast-growing work to-do list, it's been the fact that I've literally changed my gender, it's been worry about financial stuff, it's been lots of things. And I've been too crazed and frantic and busy to really even notice the change.

It wasn't anything specific. It was everything. Though I haven't noticed it, it's been building up. Little stressers like worrying that my wig looks fake, worrying that my makeup is wonky, worrying that my style is too feminine or not feminine enough, worry that my voice isn't good enough, worry that I'll give myself away by making too manly a pee sound in the bathroom, worry that I'm wearing the same clothes too many times to work, or that I don't have enough clothes or that I need new shoes but I can't afford them if I want to take a trip to Europe next year. Worry, worry, worry. All the time.

And even though on the surface everything is going gangbusters in my life, I've started to carry all these extra worries around with me, and all this extra stress. I can feel the stress knotting up the muscles in my right shoulder, I can identify it from dreaming about potential work screw ups, I can feel it in the existential dread I get at the thought of having to spend an evening hanging out socially with people.

Finally today it got to me. I sort of stopped working for a minute. Instead I just made a pile of all the papers for the work I have to do and stacked them on my desk. I'd look at them later. I tried to slack off but the internet wasn't helpful. All I really wanted to do was run away, lock myself some place quiet and cry. I wanted to go home but I had meetings later I couldn't miss. Still, I wanted out, to run away from everything.

Then, someone stopped by my desk and started to ask a question. It was too much. Right away, I could feel the tears bubbling up, feel my throat clench and I turned around. I didn't want a coworker to see me crying at my desk. So I mumbled a "I can't right now, sorry" and before they could respond I ducked into a nearby empty room and tried to compose myself. No luck. So I grabbed my stuff, hoping no one would see me, and got out of the office as quickly as I could.

Honestly, crying made me feel better. Maybe just letting it all out was what I needed. I don't know. But I felt better.

After about ten minutes I decided to go back up to the office. Luckily, crying didn't mess up my eye makeup too much. Sure, there were some smudges on my eyeliner and a little bit of a grey shadow under my eye, but it was easily fixed with a quick trip to the bathroom and a few dabs of foundation.

And if you asked me again how full time was going, I'd probably still tell you it's going really well. Because it is. But it's also something I still haven't had a chance to really deal with or reflect on. When I had my first talk with my boss about coming out at work, he had said "And if you ever need to duck out for a few minutes feel free." Thus far I hadn't needed to, but who knows, maybe in the future I will need to duck out again.

It's a big life change, but in a way, I kind of haven't let it really be big yet. We'll see how this goes and how the process of processing this progresses.

16 comments:

  1. Hang in there, Faith. You are doing great and even greater days are in your future.

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    1. Thanks, Stana. Today, I feel much better. Not even sure why. Emotions are a funny thing.

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  2. Faith -

    Hang in there. If I recall correctly, you are on E. And that means you are going through a second puberty. Your feelings will be all over the place as your brain rewires itself (as it did for your masculine puberty with T) to function as a mature woman.

    Don't worry about the little stresses. You can always buy a new wig every year (I do so), and use the old ones as backups for those times you don't want to wear your good wig - such as if you are wading in a chlorinated pool and someone splashes you. (I've done this while cruising, and I was able to prevent a good wig from getting damaged.)
    Regarding going to the bathroom - very few people notice (and less care) if your pee hits the water and makes noise, or whether it hits the edge of the bowl silently. If you worry about clothes, spend money on accessories and separates - this will add to the variety of outfits people see you wearing. Frankly, I don't give a damn if people see me in the same outfit - as long as it is in different weeks. And no one has ever commented negatively about any of the outfits I wear.

    From what I read in your blog, you are doing well. As a trans woman, you are taking an accelerated course in femininity, doing in months what cisgender women do in years and decades. Just be relaxed, and strive for your personal authenticity. Learn feminine body language, and mimic it as much as possible - so that it gets ingrained and becomes natural. I have listened to your voice, and you are further along than I am. You have a lot going for you, and you have accomplished a lot. Be proud of that!

    M

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    1. Hi M- A new wig every year? OMG what wigs are you buying? Mine last a few weeks at best.

      Thanks for all your thoughts. Things are going well for me and the support that I've been getting from all the great people in the trans community has been invaluable!

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  3. *breaks out the kleenex and picks some for herself too* I definitely get that introvert social exhaustion. I love to do lunch walks just by myself so I just have me and my mind thinking all the things...
    Take care <3

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    1. There are people at my work who go out to lunch with coworkers every day? How do they do that? Lunch is my one chance at work to take a break from people!

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  4. You are doing so well and are a true inspiration to those of us who dream of doing what you have dine. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work, introspection and when necessary, tears.

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    1. Thanks, Paula. I try and share the good and the bad. Yesterday was such a weird moment though; not good, but not bad either really. Just emotions coming out in a big ol' mess. Stupid reptile brain with all it's dumb emotions.

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    2. That doesn't sound like reptile brain to me. That sounds like a woman's brain. Women cry like that when they get overwhelmed.

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  5. Hello Faith. This is my first time on your blog. I bookmarked it a couple days ago when I came across it for later viewing. Great blog, very well written, interesting articles. I guess every once in awhile our day-to-day stresses catch up to us and usually not at the most opportune time. From what I've read in your blogs, you're doing quite well particularly at work. Hang in there, take it a day at a time. Take pride in your accomplishments and know that you are living your true life. Hugs.

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    1. Hi Katherine - glad you found the blog and enjoyed it!

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  7. Hey Faith. I'm not out yet, but this was such a powerful and yet emotional article to read. I've only recently gotten past my dysphoria that I am not transgender enough & just accepted it. I'm stressing out big time over what I need to do next, but after reading your story it's a relief (a bit) to know this still happens after you come out. I've been told this before, but you are not alone with your struggles you keep having. Big hugs sister.

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    1. Yeah, it's kind of funny because we'll read trans blogs, trans websites, watch trans videos and it starts to look like almost everyone in the world must be trans and so many of them are young, bold and beautiful. And here I am with my doubts, wondering "Am I really transgender?" Of course I am! A cis person wouldn't have sought out hormones, or come out to people, or gone to work as a girl. It's just that we don't see everyone's doubts on display all the time.

      For you, I'd say maybe seek out a medical doctor who can prescribe HRT. Talk to them. Depending on where you are, that might be easy or difficult. But at least look. If it's difficult, find an LGBT community center or group in your area. There may be support groups/social groups where people can help give you advice on what steps you'll be able to take in your area.

      Good luck and thanks for reading/writing! -Faith

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    2. Thanks for the advice Faith. I've already tried to find local support groups near me, but I haven't had success yet. I do live in a community (Twin Cities Metro area, MN) that is very supportive of the LGBT community so I guess that helps a bit.

      More realistically I am going to be looking for a good/supportive gender identity therapist who I can start to open up to. Besides a woman I'm at a loss on what I should be looking for. Do you have any advice on how I can find a great gender therapist?

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    3. Hi Natalie, that's so funny you mention MN because my partner and I were just joking yesterday about how weird it was that we knew so many cool trans people in MN! Try looking up Minnesota T-Girls. I've heard they're a great group and hopefully someone there will know a good therapist in the area.

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