Monday, December 12, 2016

Being a Girl Full Time

As the old saying goes "being a girl full time is totally different from part time." Okay, that's not an old saying. It's not even a saying. I just made it up. But, it's true. Now, as I barrel toward my one month anniversary (lunaversary really), I've had some time to really think about how things have changed in my life. Here's a few specific ways:

1. First off I love not wearing guy's clothes. Seriously. I hated shirts and ties and all that garbage. Guy's dress shoes? Ugh. What's funny is that I didn't get rid of all my guy clothes actually. I kept one pair of jeans and a handful of T-shirts. The T-shirts are all from concerts and non-replaceable, so they have some emotional weight to them. I didn't want to throw them out, but I also haven't worn them. I have plenty of girl T-shirts and I've been trying to find girl shirts for the bands I like, but haven't been having much luck. Girls' tees are cut differently and thus they're more expensive and most of the female fronted indie and punk bands I like don't have the money for expensive merch. Also I still have guy sneakers because I haven't bothered trying to find feminine sneakers. How feminine can they really be? Well, my sneakers are pretty busted now, so they'll need to be replaced anyway. Either way, my closet is 100% girls' clothes like it should be and my dresser is like 95%. It's nice.

2. I've been really bad about documenting my life now. You know, when I first moved to NYC and was finally free from my family I started dressing up like a girl openly and more often. Back then, what I'd usually do is get dressed up then take a lot of photos. This gradually shifted to videos. In fact, when I finally got my very own apartment, I actually bought a photo backdrop and lights so I could take the best possible pictures and make the best possible videos. Eventually though, I just shifted to selfies and the occasional full body shots when my partner is nice enough to snap a few shots for me. But now that I'm "dressing up" every day, my desire to endlessly snap photos has waned pretty heavily. C'mon, when I first started this blog all my posts were like "here are new photos!" and now they're like "Here's my life." I'll let people choose which they like better. And I'll still try and find time for adventures that are worthy of photos.

3. Somehow I'm still getting up at the same time every morning and only managing to leave about ten minutes later than I used to. My makeup is now down to a 20 minute process. So the great question is, what was I doing with my whole morning before? I don't even remember. Also, I've pretty much gotten my daily makeup look down pretty well. I've been going with basically the same look every day; neutral eye, basic black eyeliner, basic brownish-black mascara, light contouring, wine-with-everything lips and no gloss. It works for me pretty well and dang if I haven't gotten some compliments from coworkers are on how good my makeup looks! Yay!

4. As my partner and I discussed in one episode of the critically acclaimed podcast, The Gender Rebels, it's hard to shift from crossdresser to average girl. For me specifically I finally see why girls don't actually have tons and tons of fancy cocktail dresses. You never wear them! In fact, I organized my closet thusly; cocktail dresses > casual summer dresses > work dresses > tops > skirts >  coats. That left hand side of the closet is going mightily unused. And I wish I had more basic work clothes. But, it's really nice that I can now justify clothing purchases because the dress I'm buying is literally for work!

5. Also, once upon a time I thought that when I finally went full time I'd just wear dresses. "I'll wear nothing but dresses and skirts for the first year," I'd think to myself "No pants at all!" I'm wearing jeans right now as I type this. Ah well. There went that. But c'mon seriously, it's below freezing out there. A girl can only be so girly. Sometimes you just gotta rock the jeans.

6. I want more laser. Or possibly electrolysis too. I don't know. What laser I've had has been good. I mean, I can manage only the lightest of cover up and I can go a whole day without worrying about any hair showing up. But I still feel like I have to shave every day for passabilities sake. I still have one more laser session but I doubt it's going to completely rid me of hair. To really get to the point where I have no hair on my face, I am going to probably need electrolysis at some point.

7. As for any surgery...I'm still okay right now. Not having the money for surgery helps make that an easier decision obviously. I've seen good surgeries and bad when it comes to FFS and breast implants. I'd like to get my nose fixed at least, so my profile doesn't bother me (then again how many times do you really see your own profile?). As for boobs, I'm leaning toward them, but I've heard that you should wait until you're at two years HRT before deciding on that, so there's lots of time. FFS I think I'm lucky enough that I can skip that. And bottom surgery is something I won't be making a decision about any time soon. There's so many costs and potential complications and long recovery time and dilating. Seems like a decision better made down the road. Also, we just put up a podcast episode about bottom surgery and you should check it out!

And as for living my's been good. I don't think I pass super well but I haven't had any problems, work is going really well, my voice is sort of okay, though I've been getting way more practice. Wigs are something I just have to deal with for now and honestly right now the fact that my passability is dependent on wearing wigs is my biggest source of trans-stress. But in a few months that'll end and I'll be able to go out with my own hair. That'll be a huge step and I'm really looking forward to it.

In the mean time though, full time is good. It totally feels normal to me. It's kind of hard to explain but it's not as big a deal as I thought it would be. I still wish my voice were better, I still wish I was skinny and petite, I still wish I had long curly chestnut locks of my own. Some things I can't change but some things I can and hopefully those will be changing for the better as I progress. But in the mean time I'll be getting up every day, putting on my makeup and girling the hell out of this world!


  1. Congratulations! You've figured out most everything a lot of us transitioned women have been saying to our pre- and transitioning sisters as realities of daily life catch up to expectations. Some things in life actually have to be experienced before the advice-in-advance kicks in.

    You're wise to wait on implant surgery, both for the changes to your body and the $$ involved. FFS seems to be a minor issue from all of the pix you've posted, and bottom surgery really is the big event.

    For at least some level of comfort, an orchie can be a good shorter-term option because of the lesser expense and quick recovery time. If bottom surgery is a longer-term issue due to money and/or recovery time from work (for some, it's heath risk factors: age+diabetes or heart, et al.), having the orchidectomy can be that intermediate step to the big finish. It also allows a loving partner time enough to acclimate her or himself to this permanent state of change in their transitioning partner.

    Above all, finally getting to *be* a girl rocks ever so much!

    Lovingkindness to you and yours.

    1. Thanks, Maura! Though, I do know people who have gone for the ol' orch (as I call it), I think I'm going to skip that one. To me personally it just doesn't seem all that necessary. If I decide to get bottom surgery, that'll take care of the orch's at the same time. I also bring up that I've never actually had surgery (involving general anesthetic) so that's another thing making me hesitant to make a date with the knife. Appreciate your thoughts and thanks for reading!

  2. Wow that was a great article to read! It's so nice to hear how easily you have adapted to the switch from PT to FT! Yeah sure you have struggled, but it sounds like there are no major setbacks so far!

    I love how you put a real world experience on the myths vs. realities of transitioning before and after you start! For example, you mentioned how before you all you thought you would be doing is wearing dresses and skirts all of the time for your first year. While that sounds like fun, it's not that realistic all of the time.

    I found it interesting how the only male clothes you kept was a pair of jeans and old concert shirts! I knew women's shirts are cut differently then men's shirts, but I didn't know that also applies to concert shirts too. That's important to know.

    I also found it interesting that you still wake up at the same time of the day, but leave only 10 minutes later! I bet a lot of trans-women who started FT thought they would have to wake up 2 hours early to get makeup down. Do you actually enjoy applying your makeup every morning?

    Hopefully a lot of transgender women can use this article as inspiration on how to properly go FT when they are ready! I know I am going too! You are one of my newest transgender role model's now!

  3. Hi Natalie, you know I kept the jeans because I guess I figured I would need a "boy costume" from time to time, though I really haven't needed it. I still can't just roll out of bed and pass though. Not yet at least.

    Makeup isn't exactly fun, but I am getting better at it. It's great to have lots of opportunity to practice. My wing is certainly getting better!

    Glad I could help inspire you. Believe me though, I have as many doubts and fears as anyone!