Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Reality Hits You Like a Ton of Bricks



Oddly enough what gave me a panic attack wasn't my first meeting with HR about coming out at work. It was my second meeting. This time it was with the head of my department and the head of the legal department. I mean, don't get me wrong. It was a good meeting. Both of them said the organization supported me, they had my backs, etc. etc. etc. But what really smacked me in the face was the reality of the situation. Coming out at work and being a woman at work is no longer something I just think about or hope for. It's a reality and it's coming pretty darn quickly.

The reality of it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Suddenly my brain started spinning a twisting, twirling web of fear. Was I really going to do this? Was I really going to put on a wig, and a dress and makeup and walk into my office, sit down and start working? What would my coworkers think? Would everyone mock me endlessly? Would they mock me behind my back or to my face? Were the women of my office going to think I was some sort of pervert because I was gonna be in the women's room? Would anyone take me seriously?

Then the real doubts started to weigh me down.

Did I take myself seriously? Was I really transgender? Was I sure? Am I maybe just a crossdresser who dressed up for the fun of it and not a real transgender person? It's not like I would commit suicide if I had to live as a guy. Did I have the courage to live every day as a woman? Did I have the energy to live every day as a woman? Did I have the financial means to live every day as a woman. Was I making a huge, career destroying, bank account destroying, friendship destroying, relationship destroying mistake? What the hell was I thinking?


My partner tried her best to calm me down and pointed out that dysphoria can wax and wane in its intensity but will never disappear. And I was just in a waxing point. Or a waning point. I forget which is which. But the bad one. My dysphoria would return.

I tried my best to remember that I had been down this road before (though not nearly this far) and had chickened out once. And though I do very much like where my life is now, I still regret not going through with transition back then. I lament the lost years that could have been spent as me.

It's tricky this whole thing, transition. It's hard. I worry that I don't pass at all and that I'm ridiculous. I'm a naturally anxious person and I'm one of those people who, as soon as their head hits the pillow at night, start letting their imagination run wild with all the horrible things that could happen.

For a couple days the knot in my stomach got tighter and I grew more anxiety ridden and depressed. This happens to me from time to time, but luckily it had been many, many years since it had gotten this bad.

Then I felt better. I felt better because I got dressed up, looked in the mirror and saw myself. I saw her. I saw me.


And instantly my mind snapped right back and my brain said to me "You can do this. You were born to do this. This is who you are. This is what makes you happy. Every birthday candle and coin in a fountain your whole life, you have wished for this. You can do this."


Right now I still have boy mode and girl mode. I work in boy mode and I still struggle with finding my makeup free, wig free, lounge around the house in yoga pants girl mode. I don't feel like a girl when I'm not done up to the nines. I might have on yoga pants, a girl's cut t-shirt and a girl's hoodie but I don't feel like I'm in girl mode. That's kinda when I get down. But then when I glam up to the nines I really see her and I feel wonderful. Hopefully I can find a way to reconcile those two feelings. 


Because I love feeling wonderful and would much rather feel that way all the time. 


Well, 42 days till full time. And in that time I'll get a get the paperwork I need for a new legal name and new legal gender, I'll have two more laser sessions. my hair will grow a little over half an inch, my fingernails will grow another couple millimeters. Hopefully it'll be enough that I can go to a salon, get my hair cut and styled in such a way that will hide my hairline. If so, I'll get my hair done, get a manicure and then that's it. That's me. That's my presentation. I'll toss out all my boy clothes and then that'll be that. I'm full time.


If my hair can't be styled, then I'll be wearing wigs until it grows long enough. Maybe January or February we can see. I remain, as ever, hopeful. Terrified and hopeful. 

Watch the first 49 seconds of this video. That's exactly I feel right now. 


Wish me luck.


10 comments:

  1. I not only wish you a tremendous amount of luck but you have my utmost adoration. You are an impressive and inspirational young lady.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I not only wish you a tremendous amount of luck but you have my utmost adoration. You are an impressive and inspirational young lady.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You go girl. Think you are doing the right thing and will be happier having done so. So glad that you publish your ideas and thoughts and pictures as you progress on your journey that way many of us who cannot transition will be able to enjoy your journey vicariously.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Six words....GOOD LUCK ..BE HAPPY ..BE YOU
    That's a lie though , only six words.
    I can understand the feelings you've got , living as the young beautiful lady that you undoubtedly are is one thing , but as the old lady down the street with all those cats when you're 90 is totally another , though I believe you'll still be happier as her than the balding old bloke 😀. Live your life as you've always wanted , have no doubt you're doing the right thing xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. To many males with gender issues we often feel as if a strong percent of our essence is female. In you situation it may be that the larger portion of who you are is female but that there is still a component that identifies as male.
    Many may envy where you are now with the ability to present back and forth as both a male and a female. Clearly there are advantages to both and if you can handle the dichotomy of a dual existence that may be a solution.
    I did find it interesting that this post where you note that you feel most feminine when dressed to the nines (which I suspect is the situation for many of us) follows your post about being a Jeans and T-shirt girl.
    Good luck in all things.
    Pax
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi All - thank you so much for the comments. As you can imagine this a difficult time for me. Difficult but happy - happifult time. All your thoughts and encouragement mean a lot to me! - Faith

    ReplyDelete
  7. you are doing well i wish you all the best of everything
    You are going to be one Fnatastic beautiful WOMAN

    ReplyDelete
  8. We are all here supporting you and willing this to succeed for you.
    None of us could possibly underestimate how difficult this is but it is a another step to being you.
    Be strong.
    Geraldine

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'll keep it short and sweet: you got this!! Never doubt yourself and forget anyone that tells you otherwise.

    ReplyDelete