A few weeks back, some girlfriends and I did a Friday night out (I'm happy to say that these girls' nights have become a regular occurrence). After a few drinks, my friend Kate started asking a few pointed questions about whether or not I planned to transition to full-time and live as a woman 100% of the time.
Now it's been a few years since I first came out to her rather abruptly. Actually I'd come out to all my friends by showing up at a cocktail party in a classic little black dress, 2" patent black heels, a long dark chestnut wig and flawless makeup.
Of course, while I was now out and proud, I hadn't exactly specified what I had come out as. Was I going to transition to female, was I just a serious crossdressing or just into some Eliza Dushku cosplay? Actually, I hadn't said.
But in the couple of years since then, I've basically been going out any chance I got and had been setting up girls' nights with my friends. Since that first party I think a few of the more periphery friends haven't seen me in guy-mode and for even some of my regular friends have become much more used to seeing me in a dress. For my friend Kate, I think I once went about four months where she had only ever seen Faith.
So it made sense she wanted to ask. Plus she identifies as queer, so I think there's a little bit of an understanding there. Maybe a little bond over what it means to be out of the cis or hetero binary. Of course, I didn't quite feel like having the big conversation with her in a large group of friends, so we made plans to meet up and talk about everything.
She picked a spot in DUMBO and I got dressed up and met her after work. We'd hung out fairly recently, so it took a bit to find a dress to wear that she hadn't just seen me in. Not that it mattered necessarily, but I don't want to be seen always wearing the same thing.
Luckily, I showed up a few minutes before her, because it was windy and I knew my hair needed a serious touch up. My current wig is one that I love, but it may be nearing the end of its useful life. This makes me kinda upset, because the one I got was the last one the store had and I can't find the company or the model anywhere. Well, I had just given it a wash and done some maintenance, so it still worked.
|Quick bathroom selfie - yay, my hair is okay!|
We talked over a few micro-brew IPAs, first just about our lives, jobs families and NYC, just to catch up. A few more drinks in me, and I was happy to talk more about my feelings. And so I laid it out. Mostly that I was just confused. Obviously, I have transgender feelings and have for my whole life, but that I'm still not sure if living as a woman is the right thing for me. It's such a huge change with so many expenses, imperfect results and risks. And I showed her some older photos from a decade ago, and how I worried that maybe I had missed by chance by not transitioning earlier when I was young and thin and prettier. Previously, Kate had told me that she thought I passed and that my voice was getting much better and that as a queer person she could do nothing but encourage me to transition and live as a woman.
|Yeah, I'm always the one with more makeup. |
But Kate listened, and she told me to talk to my partner and be honest, and that also I could start some more basic things like laser hair removal for now and then work toward anything more permanent changes if I were comfortable with them. It was good to just be able to talk to a friend in person about everything.
She also said one thing that made a serious impression on me. She said that I seemed much happier as Faith, and much more natural. This really struck me as she's not the the first person to ever tell me that. I guess I am just noticeably happier and more comfortable as Faith. It makes sense. Being out as a girl, just walking down the street does feel totally natural to me. And it does make me happy.
|This is "happy" right? |