Monday, February 29, 2016

Snow Day

Winter is probably my least favorite time of year. Maybe it's the short days, maybe it's my Southern upbringing, maybe it's the numbing cold, blustery wind and freezing precipitation. But, I will say that there is one joy to be had during winter in NYC; those first few hours when it begins to snow. 

Those moments are magical and beautiful. There's a rare stillness to the city. The snow reflects the light back warmly, giving the night a wonderful glow. For just a few hours, the city is transformed, gone is the dull gray grime of the everyday, replaced by a beautiful and peaceful serenity as the fresh virgin snow falls. 

Also, it's a fun chance to take some crazy winter photos because I'm no stranger to running out to get pictures in the freezing cold. What's a momentary discomfort compared to the joy of getting that perfect snowfall picture? Seriously, it's so much fun to put on a little dress and some high heels and head out into the cold to get some winter pictures during that magical first night of snow fall. Beauty before comfort, right? 

Of course I'm not crazy. For those first snow photos, I just ran out into the street for half an hour or so (until the shivering got too bad!). But, for actually going out, I decided to dress a little more sensibly. Okay, you guys have seen my green hat. Heck, all my cold-weather photos usually feature my green hat. It's not only a warm and stylish hat, but it also keeps my hair from blowing around too much. My partner actually suggested that I try a scarf instead, so I used my red one to wrap around my hair. It looked pretty good, I think. Though maybe a little Old World, like the head scarf of a Muslim woman or like a 19th Century Eastern European woman.  

But I still think that it looks cute and the picture above got a lot of likes on Facebook, so I guess that counts for something. Honestly, scarves still baffle me. Some women can look so good with a scarf loosely draped around their neck or shoulders, but no matter what I  seem to do or no matter how many "How to wear a scarf" YouTube videos I watch, I can just never seem to look good in them. So, babushka it is. At least it keeps me warm. 

Luckily, this winter hasn't been too bad, but I'm definitely counting the days until it's warm again. While I think I manage the winter girl look okay, I still prefer the wonderful feeling of wearing a dress on a nice sunny day. That'll be soon. But in the mean time, I'll just rock the coat, scarf, tights, and big boots that a snowy day usually requires (unless you're just ducking out for a quick photo shoot that is!).  

Wednesday, February 24, 2016


Honestly, I can't remember the first picture I ever posted up on the internet. It may have been the one above. That makes sense. I was with my terrible old digital camera (it was one of the first ever- it could hold maybe 15 400 x 600 pixel photos). My big old pre-flat screen monitor is sitting there in my craptastic first apartment in New York City. I'm wearing a late-90s vintage spaghetti strap mini-dress. And I'm hiding my face. At the time I was still afraid to post up any photos of my face, maybe for fear of my Christian Republican family somehow finding them online. 

Because it's so easy to recognize me with a face 15 pixels wide. 
Luckily, it didn't take me too long to start putting my pictures up on line. It's been about 14 years, three versions of my website, a killer Myspace page, about a hundred and twenty YouTube videos, 35,000 worth of reddit karma, 4,000 flickr followers and I'm still happily going strong. You see, I just happen to love posting up pictures. Yeah, I'm a little bit narcissistic, but then again I've never thought I was that attractive as a guy. But as a girl, I've always felt beautiful and I just loved to share that. Yeah, I'm vain and I love to get compliments and things.

One nice byproduct of my vanity and narcissism is that my willingness to get out did manage to actually have positive effects. Can you believe it? It seems that over the years my courage to get dressed up as a girl and go out in public and then post up those pictures online has actually helped to give other people courage too.

That makes me happy. Also it makes me feel important (hey, remember I'm a vain narcissist after all). Despite my dubious moral character, people have been inspired and that really make me happy that I could be even a small part in their stories.

"You are amazing, and one of the big reasons I got the courage to start posting [to Reddit]. Even if you are no longer posting pictures, please stay around this community and occasionally are an inspiration for us all!"

"You're pictures are always so inspiring and beautiful."

"I love to see your posts, you make such a beautiful woman and you just look so happy out there, a great role model for us all."

"You've truly been an inspiration to us all."

"Your pictures were always inspirational."

Me: Wow! I'm impressed! You give me so much hope!
Redditor: Coming from the woman who gave me hope several years ago when I was trying to figure out this whole trans thing, this means an awful lot to me. Thank you.

"I read some of your blog and Flickr, you said Kristin Ritter is an inspiration for you. She is amazing, BTW. I have a feeling that many girls on reddit find you to be one. Well done, you are fascinating.xoxox."

"I think you're pretty inspirational."

"You inspire me. You have for a while now actually. Just thought you should know."

"You're the reason I had the courage to go through with my own transition."

"I always see your posts and it's inspired me to be a little bit braver every time."

"I am inspired by how pretty and funny you are!!"

"You were actually one of the people that helped me come out as a trans girl and for that I can't thank you enough!"

Okay, posting this is pretty much bragging, but let me just say that it does really mean a lot to me that people think I'm inspirational. I mean, some people lose limbs and then ski across Canada and some people cure diseases and some people get shot and then keep on promoting education for girls. Me? I just put on a dress and go outside.

Look upon my dress, ye mighty, and despair. 
I'm seriously blown away by all the amazing things people have written to me. But, I would never have been able to wear a dress so far had I not been standing on the shoulders of giants.

From my earliest ages, I've known I was a little different, but being raised in the Southern evangelical, Republican bubble like I was, I wasn't exactly in a place where being "different" was a good thing. Back when I was growing up, there wasn't even an internet (I mean, not really), so I didn't even have a chance to be exposed to things that weren't Jesus, Republican politics or sports.

Luckily, though, I was eventually able to find inspiration from many different amazing people. I hope I can one day thank them all for how they helped me get where I am today.

People who inspired me:

KD Lang

Okay, K.D. Lang isn't transgender, but this issue of Vanity Fair came out when I was 12 or 13. It was the first time that I realized there was more to gender and sexuality than the evangelical preacher was telling us. These images were at once confusing but also reassuring. For years I had spent my life with some vague understanding that I wasn't normal and seeing images like the above made me realize that, even if I wasn't normal, I at least wasn't alone. Also, I totally wanted to be Cindy Crawford (and I still kinda do). 


My first glimpse of RuPaul was also when I was about 12 or 13 and it was in Parade magazine. There was a photo and a brief blurb about how she was really male and I couldn't take my eyes off that photo. I just stared and stared and stared. How could someone who was a boy look like that? I was a little boy. Could I be that pretty one day? That photo of RuPaul started to open my eyes. Someone who was born a boy could be a beautiful woman. My mind was blown and the world got a little bit bigger and a lot more interesting.

Caroline Cosey

Luckily, my mom was an early adopter of the internet. In the early-90s, she had one of those modems you actually had to set a phone receiver on. We had CompuServe in our house starting around 1994 or so. When I was first allowed on the early internet, I looked up song lyrics, I played in MUDs and I looked up information on transgender people. Back then, I found a few crossdresser pages, mostly fetish pages or chat pages for middle-aged married men who were really into pantyhose. And then I found out about Caroline Cosey. She was an amazing woman who had gotten a sex change in the 1970s. Not only was she beautiful, but she had been in a James Bond movie! She had posed in Playboy! Amazing! It's still amazing to think about even today. She was the first person who made me realize that a transgender woman could be real, could be successful and could be strong and courageous. 


Coccinelle was another pioneer trans-woman I read about on the that early internet. A performer in Paris in the 60s, Coccinelle eventually made the transition from drag queen to woman. It was amazing to me to read her story; how she transitioned at a time when few people even knew that sex changes were possible. Reading about her, she seemed to love the spotlight and love the attention in a way that I think I do too. Flamboyant and outspoken, her brash, bold life inspired me to understand that being transgender didn't mean hiding away. Even in a cruel world, it was possible to be who you really were and be accepted too. That's a big thing for a young trans person in a Red State to learn. 


Authentikate was the name of this amazing woman's website. Back in the 2000s, she posted up a detailed diary of her transition, starting when she was just deciding her future, and then going through her all her changes, her surgeries and every moment of her journey and transition. Even with the internet at my disposal, transition was still a mystery to me, still a blank spot on the map labelled "Here be dragons."  What an amazing resource Authentikate was! With each update we learned about how she quit smoking, broke up with her SO, started hormones, came out at work, came out to her family and began her new life and relationships. She posted up the letters she sent to family and to HR at her job. She put up reviews of doctors and information and so many resources. And perhaps my favorite thing; one day she posted up photos of her attending a friend's wedding as her new self, there among her friends and family. How beautiful! 

Kate's blog disappeared one day and I guess she went stealth, but I'm so glad that for a few years she shared her everything with the world so that for young, frightened person like me could have the mist lifted just a little bit on the great mystery of transition. Thank you so much for that, Kate.

Kelly Van Der Veer

A reality TV star in the Netherlands, Kelly Van Der Veer blew me away when I first saw her. Sure, she started her transition early, but she was one of the first people my own age that was a real celebrity (though not in the US). She not only had the courage to transition, but to appear on television too! One day I hoped upon hope that I would be a beautiful girl too, and maybe even have half of her courage. One day, I read an article about her and she told about the first time she woke up after SRS. Her sister was there in the room and Kelly said to her "Finally, this summer we can go to the beach in bikini's together." There's something I just loved about that moment between two sisters. One day I hope to go to the beach too. 

Lady Vixion

Back in 2005 or 2006 (when did YouTube start? I forget), I started making my own videos and posting them online. As I've said before, back then most transgender or crossdressing or gender-variant videos consisted on people sitting silently smoking or perhaps walking back and forth across their living rooms in pantyhose. Frustrated by the lack of quality, I determined to make my own videos. And I decided that I would try and make my videos funny and insightful and entertaining. I did okay, but Lady Vixion showed up and did it a thousand times better. She was silly and funny, played different characters, and produced insightful, crazy, heartfelt videos about life, relationships, family and transitioning. At one moment, she'd be funny, then next meaningful and emotional. It was so great to see such a talented, heartfelt person out there to show us all that a transgender woman could be crass and funny and real and outspoken and smart. Of course, she was edgy too, sometimes too edgy for the apparently family-oriented YouTube who deleted her channel one day without warning. But she's still out there being funny, strange, cool and insightful. Check her out!

Jamie Clayton

Seriously, I don't think anyone inspired me quite as much as Jamie Clayton did. Maybe it was because we were both New Yorkers who had moved to NYC at the same time and about the same age, maybe because we had slightly over-lapping social circles, maybe because in many ways she seemed to share some of my circumstances. She wasn't some far away person on the internet but was a real person just like me. 

One Saturday morning over coffee, I remember finding a link to an article someone had written about her called The Second Most Beautiful Girl in New York. That morning, right after I read that article, I left my apartment and took a long walk around the neighborhood. Then, an hour or so later, I came back and wrote an email to a good friend of mine. I sent her the link to Jamie's article and said I knew I had to become a girl. That day, I sent Jamie a Myspace friend request, which she accepted, and wrote her an email, asking how she got on hormones. She told me about Callen Lourde and the rest is history.

Jamie has seen so much success in the years since then, and I am so happy for her. When I see her on TV, in the various shows she's stared in, I feel so proud of her, like I'm rooting for the home team to win the World Series. Her success has given me so much inspiration. Even today, when I see pictures of her, I think to myself "One day you'll be a girl like her too."

One day, out in the East Village, I saw her walking with a friend, but I was in boy-mode and didn't want to say anything to her. In NY we do our best to ignore celebrities anyway, but Jamie was different. I wanted to stop her and tell her how amazing she was and how much she inspired me in my own journey. But I was in guy-mode and felt stupid doing that. So I let her pass and ignored her the way we do. Maybe next time, I'll be a girl too and then I'll feel confident enough to stop her and tell her how much she's inspired me.  

Many, Many, Many Others

Oh my gosh, I wish that over the past twenty years, I had taken the time to start a list of every amazing transgender or gender variant person that I've read about or been lucky enough to meet online or in person. So many nights I spent online, talking to people on Myspace or Yahoo chat, so many blogs I've read, videos I've watched, how-to guides I've followed. So many great people out there who inspired me in so many ways. Thanks to you all and seriously, I wish I had kept in touch with so many of you that I've lost along the way. Thank you all for the inspiration.

Let's all keep on inspiring each other! 

Friday, February 19, 2016

Out Shopping in Winter

Despite the early part of winter being quite mild, winter came in like a storm this February, bringing super cold temperatures and a good amount of snow. What's a girl to do? Well, certainly not let cold stop her! So, I donned a sweater, a coat, a scar, hat, thick tights, socks and my new knee-high boots to go out. 

Yes, I recently got some new boots from Aerosoles. Knee-high riding type boots have been in fashion for the last couple of years, but I've put off getting them for a couple of reasons. First was the expense; I just couldn't find a decent pair for less than $100 bucks, and second was the fear that flat boots would make my feet look too big. Seriously, I tried a pair on last year and I thought they made my feet look ginormous! But, I tried on a pair at the Aerosoles store and they were super comfy, even if they did make my feet look a little big. It turned out to be a great purchase, what with the snowy, slushy, rainy winter this has turned into. It's definitely not sandal, heel or ballet flat weather. So my feet might look big, but at lease they're dry. Besides, who really looks at feet anyway? 

So, with my new boots on, I set out to Callen Lorde to pick up my prescriptions (go, estrogen and t-blockers!) and, since I was in the neighborhood, decided to stop by Brooklyn Industries and check it out to see if there were any cool new items. As some of you know, I have owned a couple Brooklyn Industries dresses and one purse and I love the quality of the items. For the quality, they aren't even too expensive, since, unlike a $14.99 H&M dress, these will probably last for years and years.

Brooklyn Industries has just put out a bunch of new stuff (all of it in my size), so I took a look around and grabbed three dresses that I liked. A friendly staff-member opened up a fitting room for me and added "This one has the best lighting." Thank you, sir! Here's a man who knows what a lady wants!

Brooklyn Industries has just put out a bunch of new stuff (all of it in my size), so I took a look around and grabbed three dresses that I liked. A friendly staff-member opened up a fitting room for me and added "This one has the best lighting." Thank you, sir!

No, I totally can't get away from the little black dress. I actually wore it out shopping. Seriously, I'm terrible when I get a new outfit I love. I just want to wear it every day. In that way, I'm much like a six year old. Also my favorite foods are chicken fingers and mac & cheese, which is another one of the ways that I'm like a six year old.

The first thing I tried on was a gross, mustard yellow dress that was so huge and shapeless it felt like I was wearing a painter's smock. When I saw it on the hanger, I thought it might have been a cool, retro-ish dress, like something from the 50s, but no. It didn't look good at all. I didn't even take pictures of it. You know something looks bad when I won't even take a picture in it. Then again, it felt like they had a whole line of shapeless dresses like that. Like this season, big, shapeless piles of dress are in fashion. Especially if they come two-thirds of the way down your calf like you're a Mennonite, but like a slutty Mennonite who likes to show way too much ankle.

So, I did end up trying on this blue one. It looked a little better than the mustard-yellow, but it still wasn't quite my style. It was a little too long and bunched up oddly in the waist. I think that may have been with the belt that ties around. 

There was one dress that I did like, just a little. Not quite enough to buy it though. Mostly I just liked it because it had an owl pattern and I'm a big fan of owls. Owls are cool. Owls are like flying cats. This dress was basically just a pencil skirt sewed on to a shirt, but it worked. At least enough that I took a few photos to share. 

So, I posted this photo up to Facebook with the caption, "Out shopping today in Chelsea. Finding very well made, but very weird looking dresses at Brooklyn Industries." It got a few likes and one of my friends posted a comment: 

I love this dress & it's not weird at all! It's very flattering on you & fits perfectly. Hope you bought it! Love the hat as well! You look great!

I'll take it! 

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

New Videos: Lying, Gravity Waves and the first Transgender President

Hey there, good and gentle readers, I thought I'd share some of my recent videos here in case you don't follow me on YouTube. Also you should totally subscribe to me on YouTube. Then tell your friends to subscribe to me. Then hold viewing parties in your own home and invite everyone you know. Then all pledge your allegiance to me and join my Church. Then I will lead the true believers to great triumph as we shed our physical bodies to become one with the first great energy of the cosmos. Or just watch the videos. Either one works for me.

The Time I Lied About a Conestoga Wagon

On the Discovery of Gravity Waves 

My Plan to Become the First Transgender President

Friday, February 12, 2016

Attack of the Little Black Dress

Okay, so I've never really made it a secret that I have a favorite when it comes to planning my wardrobe. Yes, it's that ever present classic item every woman should have; the Little Black Dress or "LBD" as it's come to be called. It's my true love in fashion and I think it's the garment I was born to wear. There are about ten in my closet. Seriously. Some tight, some a-line, some lacy. I've never felt more comfortable or confident than when I was wearing a little black dress. It's classic, it's sexy, it's cool, it's powerful. 

"One is never over-dressed or under-dressed with a Little Black Dress." 
—Karl Lagerfeld

This week, I was lucky to pick up one more. Actually, I had bought it on eBay and managed to get quite a bargain. Originally a $160 dress and I picked it up for $19.99 plus $7.00 for shipping. Not too bad. It was sitting in my building lobby waiting for me one day, packed in a little plastic envelope. I was so excited to take it inside, tear it open and try it on.

For me, this is always a moment fraught with anticipation. See, when I come home I have a whole routine I just can't skip. First I'll come in, put down my groceries or coat or book or eagerly sought dress still in its package. Next I've got to strap the dog into his harness and take him out for a walk. After the walk, it's time to get the dog new water and feed him his dinner. Then, I get the cat new water and top off his food if need be. The next step is to put the groceries away, then ball up the plastic bags really tiny so they can be used for the next dog walk. Finally, I can take my new dress into my room, take off my work clothes, hang my work clothes back up, open the package (sometimes having to go find scissors to do that) and then at last I can try on my new purchase.

The new dress I ordered was a black shift from Banana Republic. As soon as I put it on I knew I had a new favorite. It fit so perfectly. It was tight around my waist, showed off my hips and curves and chest while still being super classy looking. Go, Banana Republic, right? 

When I look into the mirror and see myself like that, in the perfectly fitting dress like this one, I can't help but just feel so "right." Like this really is who I was meant to be. Being a guy feels like something I have to endure, but being a woman just feels so great, like the gender fits me as perfectly as a glove, or as perfectly as this dress. 

"My look is attainable. Women can look like Audrey Hepburn by flipping out their hair, buying the large sunglasses, and the little sleeveless dresses." 
—Audrey Hepburn

Okay, I also knew that I couldn't hide this look under a bushel, no. I had to get out and shine! Luckily, we had a cause to celebrate. Sort of. Unfortunately, my poor little kitty has been sick, but this weekend he showed definite improvement. Then, after we managed to finally get a pill and a squirt of liquid down his throat as he struggled mightily under a towel, we decided it was time to go out and have a cocktail to celebrate our veterinary success. Sometimes all you need is just the smallest reason to celebrate. 

Then again, even with a sick kitty, I still have plenty to celebrate. Life is pretty good. Though I do wish my transition were proceeding a little faster, I have two amazing little pets, a great apartment in a fantastic and beautiful neighborhood in the coolest borough of the coolest city in the world. I've got an amazing partner who's totally supportive. I've got a closet full of little black dresses and a few classy cocktail bars within walking distance.

I felt just too classy to have my regular pint, so I eschewed beer for a much more classic gin lime rickey (dry gin, soda and lime juice) because I like my cocktails a little old fashioned. The bartender wasn't quite sure how to make one, but luckily I was able to tell her the recipe. The other bar we visited did actually know how to make a gimlet (which is fairly similar to the gin lime rickey and the gin and tonic). Yeah, I could have just ordered a gin and tonic with a splash of lime juice, but dang it, that has a name and I'm a classy dame, okay.

Since it wasn't too cold out, my partner was nice enough to offer to snap a few photos of me. We got a couple on the street, but then went over to the Brooklyn Heights Promenade for a few more with that gorgeous background full of sparkling light. 

"People will stare. Make it worth their while." 
—Harry Winston

Now all I need is some slightly warmer weather and some more excuses to get out in this dress! Luckily, I think there'll be a ton of chances coming up soon. Then eventually, I can get to the point where I can finally wear a little black dress every day and always see this classy girl looking back at me in the mirror. 

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

There is a Transgender Character in Star Wars!


Okay, I've written a couple articles about whether or not there are transgender characters in the Star Wars galaxy. We looked at the socio-economics, the politics, family dynamics and even the restroom situation in galaxy far, far away. Despite all of that, there was no clear evidence of transgender characters in Star Wars.

And it turns out this series of blog post was destined to be a trilogy.

Because now we finally have our answer.

Recently I came across an article on Entertainment Weekly's website, titled "BB-8: Creating the Roly-poly Droid from Star Wars: The Force Awakens." In it, designers talk about how the physical BB-8 was actually a puppet onscreen, and CGI was used to remove the rods and other things that animated the characters.

Then, they discuss the character. I personally love BB-8. Unlike the headstrong and almost foolhardy R2-D2 of the original trilogy, BB-8 is much more timid, like a little puppy. Unlike R2 who bosses people around, BB-8 uses coy persuasion to get people to do what it wants. It's amazing that filmmakers could create two non-human, non-emoting characters and yet make them so distinct in their own ways.

And then, I came cross the following quote from Neil Scanlan who headed up the Force Awakens creature effects shop:

"I’m still not sure, dare I say, whether BB-8 is male or female, BB-8 was female in our eyes. And then he or she became male."

There you go. Not only is BB-8 hilarious and adorable and a fun addition to the Star Wars galaxy. BB-8 is transgender. There is a transgender character in Star Wars and he's an awesome new character. See, I knew we could trust J.J. Abrams.

And now BB-8 totally needs an Oscar. Let me see how much a full page ad in Variety costs. 

Sunday, February 7, 2016

A Day at the Museum

It's a chilly Saturday in February. Luckily New York City has lots of great indoor fun. Yesterday, my friends and I decided to go to the world-famous Natural History Museum in Manhattan's Upper West Side. It's a great place for fans of science, nature, meteors, dinosaurs, Teddy Roosevelt or J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye

"The best thing, though, in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was. Nobody'd move. You could go there a hundred thousand times, and that Eskimo would still be just finished catching those two fish, the birds would still be on their way south, the deers would still be drinking out of that water hole […]. Nobody'd be different. The only thing that would be different would be you. Not that you'd be so much older or anything. It wouldn't be that exactly. You'd just be different, that's all. You'd have an overcoat on this time. Or that kid that was your partner in line last time had got scarlet fever and you'd have a new partner. Or you'd have a substitute taking the class, instead of Miss Aigletinger. Or you'd heard your mother and father having a terrific fight in the bathroom. Or you'd just passed by one of those puddles in the street with gasoline rainbows in them. I mean you'd be different in some way – I can't explain what I mean. And even if I could, I'm not sure I'd feel like it." -Holden Caulfield. 

Apparently, Holden never realized that they have seasonal and travelling exhibits. That Holden, he's such a phony. 

Okay, you might be wondering why I'm wearing a yellow arm band. No, I'm not a 4th Reich supporter nor am trying to raise awareness for jaundice. Actually, my friends and I had an idea to spend a cold February playing hide and seek in the museum. It was really fun, and despite the size of the rooms, it's actually pretty challenging to find places to hide. The arm bands were for friends who didn't know each other too well would still be able to identify who's playing the game. 

No matter how many times I visit the Hayden Planetarium, I never seen to run into Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Though we did see Paul Giamatti on the subway. But that doesn't count. I see Paul Giamatti all the time. He lives in my neighborhood. He and Bjork. Not together obviously.

The only downside to spending our time at the museum playing hide and seek for grown ups was that we didn't get to spend much time exploring what is an amazing museum. It's one of my favorite places in NYC. You can spend hours and hours and not see everything. It's fantastic. Sadly, the Marine Life exhibit, with the famous whale, was closed. I was so upset. It's not only my favorite part of the museum,  but I was also hoping for some blue whale selfies. 

Instead, he's me with some Aztec temple model selfies. Not as cool as a blue whale. Ah well, I'll have to go back. Yeah, I took a bunch of selfies, mostly because I was just taking photos while trying to stay hidden, plus I didn't want to bust out my real camera since the flash probably isn't allowed in the museum. 

Us doing the Law & Order / Right Stuff walk to celebrate our hide and seek success. It's such a fun game and I look forward to playing again soon. Maybe there, maybe the Met, maybe Central Park when it gets a little warmer. 

The museum was fun. While, I'm super comfortable being out as a woman in public, even in really busy public places, the museum still made me a little busy. Mostly, I think I passed pretty well. I did get a couple looks, but I'm not 100% sure they were "tranny" looks and not just looks. I definitely got gendered correctly the whole time with plenty of people calling us "ladies" and "ma'am" or "miss" or "her" and whatnot. So, I felt good. I just being out.