Perhaps one of the scariest moments in transition is looking at the Transition Timeline you put together over a year ago and realizing you're right on target.
On Friday I went to court to go get my name legally changed. As I was walking there I felt myself go into auto-pilot mode. I just shut down my brain and let my body take the lead. If I actually stopped to think about what I was doing then my anxiety would come back with a vengeance. Just keep walking. Just keep walking. Go through the motions.
It didn't really matter in the end though, because I didn't bring proof my address. Nope, the address printed on my drivers' license wasn't good enough. It had to be a bill. Plus, it turns out that I need my spouse to notarize that she's okay with the name change, even though we're only domestic partners. And I'll need originals of her documents (copies aren't okay). Isn't bureaucracy fun!
So, we'll go back another time and go together to keep it simple. Also I'm terrified that if I bring her original passport I'll lose it. I'd much rather her carry it.
|These photos have nothing to do with this particular piece of writing, but what? Did you want to look at a wall of text?|
Well, early last week I got my performance review. It was glowing. "Exceeds expectations!" My boss is rather happy with my performance and wants to give me more responsibility.
Guess that means it's time to come out out.
So, I late that day, just before I left, I emailed the head of HR and asked if she could meet early next week. Why wait? Because I had taken a long weekend to try and get some court stuff done (see above) and thought having a new name would be a great way to kick off that meeting.
Well, I don't have that. And the meeting is tomorrow. And I'm terrified. When I talk to HR I'm guessing it'll be up to me when I want to come out. Do I delay it? Or do I just go ahead and start full time immediately while there's still good dress weather?
My hair is growing out. In fact, on Friday it was a beautiful day and I styled my own hair to the point that it looked feminine enough and went for a walk. It felt absolutely amazing. I think it'll probably be three or four months before I'm able to go to a hairdresser/stylist and get it cut/colored/styled in a way that'll look decent. That means three or four months of wigs. That's not a lifetime of wigs. Just a few months. Is it doable? Yes, it is. Am I ready?
Phew. That is the question.
My partner and I had a long talk about it tonight and she says all my fears are normal. But all this weekend has been spent with my insides twisted and my thoughts in a deep, dark place. There are so many things to worry about and the one I worry about most is myself. Right now I'm not in a happy place transgender wise. I reminded of my own post from a while back about how sometimes I feel like quitting.
My partner reminded me of my own chart from this post.
Lorelai: Oh Luke, do not underestimate the complete and total lack of confidence I have in my abilities.
Luke: You're just scared. Just like everybody else when they're taking on something big.
Lorelai: Well, then what does everybody else do to get through this feeling?
Luke: They run in the back, throw up, pass out and then smack their head on the floor.
Luke: That's what I did on the first morning I opened the diner. Look, there is no button to push to get you through this. You just gotta jump in and be scared and stick with it until it gets fun.
Lorelai: How long 'til the diner got fun?
Luke: About a year.
Lorelai: Wow. And there's no button?
Lorelai: How about a lever, can I pull a lever?
Lorelai: Turn a knob?
Lorelai: You just jump?
Luke: You just jump.
Lorelai: I wanna do it.
Luke: You should do it.
Well, let's see if this girl can jump.
Nothing worth doing is easy, I guess.