This is the story of me coming out to HR so that I can come to work as a woman.
My meeting with HR is scheduled for 3:30pm today, Wednesday, September 21st, 2016.
Wednesday, September 21st, 2016. 1:42pm, EST.
Mostly I'm hoping I don't cry in the meeting. At lunch the Lorde song "Bravado" came on my random mix. That actually made me tear up a little bit. Especially this bit: "I was frightened of / every little thing that I thought was out to get me down / To trip me up and laugh at me."
It's a good song.
And I need some courage right now. My hands are shaking a little bit. I'm definitely reminded of the time I went and flew on a plane for the first time as a woman and took a trip, living as a girl for a while. I was nervous as hell but it worked out okay. It was a fun experience and I'm glad I had it. It was an important step and yes, it made me nervous as hell.
That's where I am now. Nervous as hell. I hope I don't cry. And I also hope I don't throw up.
Wednesday, September 21st, 2016. 2:03pm, EST.
Right now I'm trying to remember that I'm out as transgender to many former coworkers. When I'm a job it seems like the most terrifying thing ever for people to know I'm trans. Then when I leave the job it suddenly doesn't matter any more. Trying to remember that.
Wednesday, September 21st, 2016. 2:32pm, EST.
You know how before an execution, you sit there in the Walls Unit next to the execution chamber and you just wait. I bet that's a weird feeling.
Wednesday, September 21st, 2016. 2:52pm, EST.
Time to go for a walk around the little mall in my building's lobby. The sight of woman in professional outfits will get my jealousy raging and give me a little courage and motivation.
Wednesday, September 21st, 2016. 3:13pm, EST.
Head of HR strolled past my desk and asked "You got time now?" Sure. Well, here goes nothing.
Wednesday, September 21st, 2016. 4:03pm, EST.
The whole time the HR lady was like “It’s okay, it’s okay.”
Finally, managed to stammer out “I’m transgender, and hoping we could start a dialogue about my coming out at work.”
“Okay,” she said in a cool, reassuring manner “It’s not the first time I’ve had this conversation.”
I told her that I was in the process of physical changes and that I was also in the process of changing my name legally and changing the gender marker on my driver’s license. That’s my next stage and she said she’s going to talk to my boss and to the big boss about this. That kind of scares me, but I’m going to have to be coming out to everyone soon, so I guess that’s unavoidable. At least I don’t have to have that conversation.
I showed her a pic on my phone and she said that all the women in the office are going to have to step up their game.
So, I’m still terrified. But at least one step is out of the way.