There are times when I seriously consider stopping this whole crazy transition thing and I'm not sure if it's reality hitting me in face or just me feeling down about life. There's a lot that makes me unhappy and leaves me feeling less like a woman and more like a delusional crazy person. When I get in those moments of doubt, here are the thoughts that flit about through my head and make me want to just quit and be a normal person again.
Ugh. I hate wigs. I hate hate hate hate hate hate them. Right now, I'm stuck with wigs and there's nothing I can do about it. Well, actually there may be things I can do about it and I'm doing them. There's spiro and finesteride coursing through my veins as I write this and I hope it'll make my hairline grow into a natural feminine shape. I'm hoping it will reverse the little divots of forehead that decided to invade my hairline when I turned 16. I hate that wind can destroy a wig and make it look ridiculous because NYC is super windy. My own block is like a wind tunnel. I hate that wigs look fake and I hate the times that I've actually shifted to an incorrect position, leaving me looking ridiculous. When I go out in a wig, I'm always hyper-sensitive about it screwing up and looking bad and awful leaving me looking less like a woman and more like a crazy dude with a dirty mop on his head. Right now, until my hair grows out and I have a normal hairline, there's nothing I can do but continue to use wigs. Stupid, awful, uncomfortable wigs.
I hate my weight. But, I also hate exercising. Funny, isn't it? And really love food and drinks and candy and sitting around not exercising. Now, as a guy I'm not fat, just a tiny bit heavier than I would like, but as a woman I feel like a hideous, enormous beast. Sure, there are fat women, but it's all in their hips. For me, it's sort of everywhere. It's awful. Women should be svelte and skinny. When I see tall, skinny girls on the streets or on the subway, I long to look like they do. Right now, exercise and eating better are a huge struggle for me. It's getting a little better now that it's warmer and bright out, but for five months out of the year it's cold and dark and wet in NYC. It's just not conducive to working out or being physical at all. I just want to eat delicious burgers, wash them down with a cold, hoppy IPA, have a bright pink cosmo with my friends, eat pizza and then sit around playing on my computer. Luckily, it's getting warmer. Maybe there's hope.
Yes, passing. Plenty of people online who look at my carefully selected photos tell me that I pass. Some friends have told me that I pass. Some trans friends have told me that I pass. But, sometimes I feel like the biggest freak on the earth. Sometimes I go out and I swear I can feel people staring at me, secretly laughing at me or pitying me or thinking I'm just some weirdo. There have been people who have misgendered me and clocked me leaving me feeling stupid, ugly and all around awful. As above, wigs just don't help. Being tall doesn't help. Not being skinny doesn't help. Having ginormous hands and feet doesn't help. Are people just telling me I pass to make me feel better?
Sometimes I feel like I'm completely insane to even think that I could live as a woman or look even remotely female on a day to day basis or be taken seriously by people. Do I really plan on growing old as a woman, on being buried as a woman? I mean, being young and pretty is one thing. Do I want to be a portly middle aged woman in a house coat or a doddering little old lady wearing knee highs and pushing a granny cart down the street? Is this really for my whole life? Could I really be a believable woman every day for the rest of my life?
I worry that my partner will leave me, that she didn't sign up for anything this crazy or out there. That I'm not only outing myself to the world, but I'm also outing her as the kind of woman who dates a tranny. Her partner is a guy who puts on a wig and a dress and paints his nails and goes shopping and sips cocktails with the girls. I seriously worry about that and how it will affect other more personal aspects of the relationship that I'd rather not go into. My partner is amazing. She is beyond amazing. I couldn't wish for a more amazing partner. She tells me that she's on this journey with me and it's exciting. She reads trans-women's memoirs and gets excited by the process. But, as amazing as she is, I'm just can't silence that little nagging worry in my head. Because you see, I'm happy in the relationship as is, and yet I'm voluntarily changing the very nature of it. I worry.
It feels weird to me, asking friends to join in my shared delusion. Telling them to call me by my female name and use female pronouns because I'm wearing a wig and a dress and makeup that day. Do my friends all think I'm crazy? Am I embarrassing to be around? What do my female friends think when they see me in the ladies room when we're going out for the night? Am I a faker? Am I invading female space?
Yet, I Keep Popping My Pills
So, why I am not quitting? I don't know. Maybe it's because I quit once before, five years ago and regretted quitting. Maybe it's because I know that my feelings of gender dysphoria have been with me since I was like three years old, as far back as my memories go, and haven't gone away. I worry that it'll never go away and if I quit again I'll just be full of even more regret. Other times, I can't wait. Other times I feel so much more alive when I'm in girl-mode. I look forward to having my own hair, to feeling a dress on a warm day, to totally rocking my bikini body on the beach. So I keep taking my pills. Taking it one step at a time and trying to not be discouraged and trying to be patient. Patience has never been one of my strong suits. I would have totally eaten that first marshmallow. But I'll keep trying to be hopeful, even when the doubts inevitably come.
Get some good clip in hair extensions hun ! (human hair if you can afford them) They can't do much for the front but long bangs can cover that, If you style in updoo (messy very easy if you got curly hair) is very real looking and quite robust on windy day and cooler on hot night ! I am not even part time but I can make it works for me and it feel so much more you !!!ReplyDelete
Ps I had all them feel too and that was just today ! But I think your lucky you get to live your life as you !
love JENi X
Hi Jeni, thanks for the hair advice. It's funny, the last time I went wig shopping I was looking at the hair extensions and saw the bangs. As soon as I can, I want to pick some of those up and try them out. My hair is probably not yet long enough for extensions, but I'm hoping it'll be a couple months, just in time for summer!Delete
I know this bit of Teen video, But if you old wig or some trimmings after cutting one you mite want experiment with make your own bags !Delete
I find that mess up doo's work best for me but its very much what ever works for you, I have thick curly Irish type hair and anything up looks fab on me !!!
That's a great idea! Once my hair is long enough to hide the seam and clips I should totally try it.Delete
There are products you can take to make your hair and nails grow faster. I tied Sugarbarehair for a month (recommended by Joseph Harwood) ,and now I'm taking Biotin that my hair stylist recommended. My hair still isn't long enough for extensions either, but soon! :)Delete
Hmmm. I may have to look into those. Right now, it's more about my hairline than hair length, but I'd be up for trying things. Better living through chemistry right?Delete
Very honest post, Faith. I've been transitioning for 2 1/2 months now. It's going better than I could have hoped. And I have doubts every day. I especially have doubts when I'm at work, where I'm not out yet, haven't come up with a good plan for coming out. I like my job and don't want to mess it up. Then I get home and put on my fabulous new dress (one size down, lost 10 lbs). I see how far I've come with my makeup, how I'm wearing my natural hair in quite a feminine style (from now on, I'm always getting my hair cut and styled as a woman). I amaze myself passing with no problems everywhere I go. My heart no longer pounds going into the ladies room. Most important is how great I feel about myself, how right this all is. Faith, I don't think girls like us will ever be completely without doubts. We just have to let what feels right guide us each day.ReplyDelete
Hi Erica, sounds like you are doing great, though good to know that I'm not along in my doubts. Congrats on the 10lbs! I need to get biking again.Delete
I'm 23 and starting my transition so feel a lot of this too and was really encouraged by your post. I've been reading your stuff since September, and its been really helpful for helping me mive forward. Stay yru n be you!-BrianaReplyDelete
Thank you for writing. Glad to hear I'm not alone in all of these feelings. Thanks for reading and best wishes for your transition too!
Thank you so much for writing this and being so vulnerable with us. This post made me feel normal. All my doubts and fears are normal and OK. Today is my seventh day being full-time due in part to you and this post. You are an inspiration to me! <3ReplyDelete
Hi Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing too. Glad to hear I could help inspire. Ironic though, because you are so far ahead of me! :)Delete
Wishing you all the best with your new life! Sounds amazing and you sound super courageous.