Thursday, August 4, 2016

Behold the Frustrations of Living Part Time

It's Monday morning and I was late for work today. Partly it's because I hit snooze one time too many and slept a half hour later than I should have. But mostly it's because I had to take a good amount of time this morning to finish washing off my makeup from last night and had to clean off my weekend nail polish too before coming to work. I am not yet out at work. This means I am not yet out full time and living in what could be described as a duel-gender space.

In part this is because my hairline is still suffering from male-pattered baldness. It's not bad, nowhere near as bad as I once thought, but definitely noticeable. For the past twelve years I'd kept my head shaved, precisely to avoid looking bald, but it's actually not bad at all. At least for a guy. For a girl it doesn't work. Still I'm taking finesteride/propecia and I think it's been helping. Hopefully I can avoid $8,000 worth of hair plugs. Hopefully, because I can't friggin' afford that!

And my other hair is growing out, Almost to the point that I can pull off a Twiggy look like this. Almost.


Actually, I've already started collected images to show a hairdresser as soon as my hair is long enough to style. And my laser place also has a hair salon and they do fantastic work. I think if I lose a little weight, I can totally pull of a layered pixie cut like this, once my hair is long enough to style over the bad parts of my hairline. 



The other thing keeping me from living full time is the need to come out to more people. I'm out to all the easy ones now and so all I have left are the hard ones. You know, people like my coworkers and family. And my in-laws.

My in-laws are particularly tricky because I'm much closer to them than I am with my blood family. And it's double-tricky because I'm also sort of outing their kid as dating a transgender person. That's a lot to handle. I am, needless to say, rather frustrated by everything. And I'm especially frustrated by my own lack of courage.

It was actually my own lack of courage that screwed me out of something that I was really looking forward to. I was looking forward to being Faith at my friend's wedding. It's difficult for me to relay how excited I was. I would get to be me at an important social occasion with many of my good friends in attendance. It would feel so validating to be there at that important moment as a girl, accepted by friends and celebrating together.  It was a June wedding but I think I had my dress picked out even before the bride did.

Thanks, Banana Republic!

I'd even planned on taking a few days off work so I could get a mani-pedi and spend the extended weekend in girl-mode. There was the wedding, an after-party, and a brunch the next day. The bride had even invited me to her pre-wedding preparation when she would get her hair and makeup expertly done. We were going to have champagne and be girly. It was going to be an awesome, fantastic weekend.

Unfortunately it was not to be. A few of the invited guests RSVP'd "no," and so the bride dipped into her B-listers. That meant that my that suddenly my in-laws were on the guest list. And of course they RSVPd "yes." Of course they did. Why not, right?

So now, instead of being able to spend a wonderful weekend as Faith, celebrating with friends, taking part in all the traditionally female parts of a wedding, I would be going as a boring old stupid guy. In pants and a nicely pressed shirt and a tie. Yeah, that's right. Instead of a beautiful dress for a summer day, I'd be wearing my friggin' work clothes. My office outfit. Ugh. Stupid boy life. 

Well, one the day, I wore my stupid boy clothes, I did my best to be happy and enjoy myself. I saw old friends, celebrated two of my friends' union and enjoyed some food and drinks too. Evnen

But, this story has a happy ending! It turns out that my in-laws were all tuckered out and decided to head back to their hotel rather than attend the after-party! My foot started tapping and I tried to will their Uber to show up as quickly as it could. After an intermittently long time where they insisted on saying goodbye to every single person in attendance, they finally got in their car and headed out. I was free!

So like the superhero I am, I rushed home and got into my girl clothes as quickly as I could, put on my makeup faster than The Flash on meth and headed out to the after party!

It was great. I was able to come out to some new people (a few friends from out of town and things) and actually got to be me for at least part of my friends' special day. It made me super happy. Insanely happy. I was the happiest girl in North Happyton. 

I'm also running for Comptroller of Happyton County. Vote for me in Novemeber!

Chilling out with the bride. I thought of wearing white, but ultimately decided against it.

Making new friends. I'm already up to 108 friends on Facebook! 

So there's my predicament. By not having the courage to come out to many of the people in my life I'm missing out on a lot of great experiences. I'm missing out on my life. The other day I almost cried while looking at dresses on Banana Republic's website. Why aren't I wearing all these wonderful dresses to work? Why isn't this me? I guess they call that dysphoria. It's been getting harder. I'm 8 months on HRT and I don't feel like I've ever been farther from actually being a woman. It's almost getting too hard, to the point where I don't know if I can bear another day as a guy.

Step one is coming out to my sister. Yesterday I bought some nice paper and nice envelopes. I started drafting a letter to her and maybe I'll mail it this weekend. She's already one of my 108 Facebook friends, so she obviously knows.

And from there, I guess...we'll see how it goes. If you have any extra courage, please use your mental telepathy to broadcast it my way. Or maybe invent a courage transference pulse emitter and do it that way, you know, if you don't have any mental powers. Whatever works. I just know I need some more courage to get me through this. 

10 comments:

  1. Sending you courage! I'm out at work part time because I just said screw it and came in once because I wasn't changing to get one thing left on my desk :) It's been interesting as I work in an office with 250 other people, and some have been supportive, some not. Oh Well :) do you know how your boss feels about trans topics?

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    1. That's so awesome, Vylad! I hope one day I can have your courage! While I am not sure how my specific boss might feel about a transgender employee, I do work for the New York State government, which has a ton of protections in place against transgender discrimination in the workplace. So we'll see!

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    2. I generally don't have a lot of courage - I'm only part time still myself! It was just this mantra of "If someone has a problem with it, it's their problem, not mine." That still breaks down often enough with the whole "Do I pass?" issues I have. I don't know how well you get along with your boss, but I imagine there are probably a number of changes they see in you anyways, so it might be worthwhile to broach the topic with them/others anyways without diving into the pool head-first :) I wish you luck, and I know you can do it soon :)

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    3. "I generally don't have a lot of courage." that seems to be how we all feel, even those of us who are the bravest!

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  2. Wonderful, heartfelt post, Faith. I relate to just about every word. Middle of last month I decided going back to fake guy mode for work was no good anymore. I came out to my boss, decided to transition at work, and be full time. I'm very lucky ~ my administration has been great, above & beyond actually. It's going to be awkward for a while, but I feel really good about it.

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    1. That's so amazing, Erica! Congrats on being out at work and having the courage to do that!

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  3. Stop beating yourself up for your lack of courage. We are all anxious about how we will be received. Coming out trans is just plain difficult for all in the conversation.
    Having said that, you are fortunate to have a good relationship with the in laws. If your partner also shares that close relationship with them then perhaps having her there with you could both support you but also show them she accepts and loves you as you are. Part of their fear will be that this will hurt their child which is fair enough. Actually being able to discuss this with her as well as you may reduce some of their fears.
    Then maybe offer to make it a continuing discussion over weeks or months as they see fit so that the whole thing does not to be finalised in one hour.I think it would allow you all to think of questions for one another at the next meeting.

    I remember having daughters who got married. Not with the complication of transgender but just getting used to people outside one's nuclear family requires some time to adjust and it is easier when you can see your daughter loves this person.
    Hope it goes well and the respect you all have for each other remains.
    Will be keeping you all in my thoughts.
    Geraldine

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    1. Thank you for your thoughts, Geraldine. I appreciate it. You're right about coming out with the SO and the inlaws. Having her by my side would also make me feel a lot better. With my inlaws I'm closer to them then to my own family so the idea of losing them and that familial connection does give me pause. But I'm sure it's a conversation we'll have at some point. :)

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  4. Stop beating yourself up for your lack of courage. We are all anxious about how we will be received. Coming out trans is just plain difficult for all in the conversation.
    Having said that, you are fortunate to have a good relationship with the in laws. If your partner also shares that close relationship with them then perhaps having her there with you could both support you but also show them she accepts and loves you as you are. Part of their fear will be that this will hurt their child which is fair enough. Actually being able to discuss this with her as well as you may reduce some of their fears.
    Then maybe offer to make it a continuing discussion over weeks or months as they see fit so that the whole thing does not to be finalised in one hour.I think it would allow you all to think of questions for one another at the next meeting.

    I remember having daughters who got married. Not with the complication of transgender but just getting used to people outside one's nuclear family requires some time to adjust and it is easier when you can see your daughter loves this person.
    Hope it goes well and the respect you all have for each other remains.
    Will be keeping you all in my thoughts.
    Geraldine

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  5. hi my dear im new and watching all yours pics amazing you look really !!!!
    im transgender as you did you are a alone ? ,im looking new relationship ...im come from Poland im 43 years old its my email paulapetrascd@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete